Air Movies: The Lorax, Hunger Games & Chimpanzee

I flew to New York today and watched movies. This is my story…

The movie for the peasants on the plane was The Lorax, which I tried to sample (especially since I wrote a blog in 2001 echoing my idea from 1994 to make a feature length version of it with Danny Devito as the voice. go me) but it was just too awful to endure. Idk why Hollywood finds it so difficult to extrapolate these short stories to full length features, but after only 2 minutes of filler I was thinking “is this Dr Seuss or Pokemon? cuz I feel like I’m watching a Snorlax, not the Lorax!!!1 OMFGLOLRIGHTYOUGUYZ??? myea. I had no choice but to stop after audibly shouting “NO” at the screen when I heard that the Oncelor (no longer a faceless symbol of unbridled corporatism but instead a shitty Ed Helms character vehicle) lives “where no grass grows”… replacing the original line of “where the Grickle Grass grows”. -Da fuq are you making such meaningless negative uncreative generic dumbass changes for, you tools?

So instead I flipped to the New Releases section on my Samsung tablet stocked with movies that they give you in First Class and watched The Hunger Games. More reaction to follow, but my summary review: After you get past the first 45 minutes of poorly crafted bullshit, its a fun/good movie, but the premise lost me in the real-life fact that females don’t even compete with males in sports like *GOLF* because we’re so physically superior…and i’m supposed to believe that randomly selected teenage chicks are fairing just as well or better against males in fights to the death? Chyea. mo-kay. I was with the whole dystopian future thing, but the credibility completely died when they asked us to believe that girls can do stuff.

Finally, I watched 70% of Disney’s nature “documentary” Chimpanzee. Doc is in quotes cuz while it tells an interesting story of a chimp family, it humanizes it a little too much. Rival chimps are dubbed the villains led by the evil Scar and his “thugs” when really they’re just…rival chimps. The only thing that makes this one the “good guys” is that Disney camera crews were following them. They even hunt down smaller monkeys and eat them – and these are the heroes we’re supposed to be rooting for.

Tim Allen does the narration. With the Santa Clause and Toy Story movies plus other Disney features plus Home Improvement having been on ABC (owned by Disney), I almost started thinking up a conspiracy. Then I got distracted cuz the flight attendant asked me if I wanted blackberry sauce, whipped cream, nuts or fudge on my vanilla sundae. to which I obviously replied “yes” (idk who they think they’re fooling by using the word “or” in their question. eff outta here, like I’m gonna make choices). Whats worse is that the option was either cheese & crackers or the sundae. lol to losers who cant eat ice cream and have to eat fkkn crackers for dessert. -& ya. movies…