Rise of the Planet of the Apes
THE TITLE ISN’T ACCURATE
Sorry to spoil it for you, but: A planet of Apes does not rise in this movie.
NO SPACE TRAVEL…
Planet of the Apes lore requires some space travel science fiction that appears to be ended by this reboot and that’s a shame. What I suspect is the case, rather, is that the writers didn’t even cut the space aspect on purpose and figured they’d get to something along those lines later. If that’s the case, then they wrote themselves into a corner with this set of movies now. They should have shown at least a minor scene where there’s an experimental space launch in the first of the series. Tease a larger narrative than just “apes go apeshit” and force us to do the math that that makes them take over eventually somehow.
NO HINTS AT A SPIN ON THE CLASSIC PLOT TWIST 🙁
The whole plot and twist of the Chuck Heston original was that he was the sole surviving astronaut of a crew that emergency landed on an unknown planet where humans are feral animals and apes are talking rulers and then when he escapes he’s riding away on the beach and only then realizes that he was on earth all along. was an anti-nuclear bomb lesson about how we’re gonna destroy ourselves or something. Even though the plot twist can’t happen, they still should have set the table for a future movie to be able to have a similar astronaut from before-ape time landing event.
Oz Secret Service
I’ve seen this movie hundreds of times but only just now did I notice that the Wizard has guards with muskets doing crowd control around his balloon launching platform.
Which is sillier looking and/or more threatening?
Just Say No to Newsies
Secret Service ain’t got nuthin on me cuz ain NO one help someone dodge a bullet the way I just did by deleting “Newsies” from my parents Netflix que after my mom added it thinking its story about “New York newspaper union protests” would be right up my dads alley – obviously not knowing that in reality its a shitty early 90s Disney musical that got zero stars….
(starring a young Christian Bale…yes really)
Young At Heart
Watching the documentary Young At Heart.
It starts slow but gets better.
I thought the twist was gonna be that the old people all survive but the chorus leader dies.
Spoiler alert: That’s not the case.
Here’s a one picture summary of the real thrust of the movie:
Spice Dreams
What is a “zigga zih ahh” and did the Spice Girls ever get it? maybe thats why they broke up. where do you go after achieving the zig?
Also: How was this song ever popular? Made – no question. Liked by some – expected. Liked by many – sure thing. Western-Worldwide Sensation?… wtf? does not compute.
Doin it Backwards
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards, it’s about a happy couple in love who’s relationship deteriorates as she turns him into an increasingly violent and resentful monster forcing them to split up as she goes to live with her dad in the suburbs and he becomes a hateful recluse.
This inspired more…
Memento backwards is just a regular movie.
Jurassic Park – a group of intellectuals visit an island where dinosaurs run wild. they put them in cages, do research on them and leave.
From Nick:
Pretty Woman backwards is about Richard Gere transforming Julia Roberts into a hooker.
From Ashley:
The Exorcist – A very sick girl eats some pea soup, does a few cervical rotational stretches that are helpful, albeit unconventional, as she slowly starts to recover thereafter.
The Sixth Sense… A man follows his kid around for a while only to figure out… He’s alive.
Boogie Nights in reverse shows how the worst of junkies can clean up if they just hang out with porn stars and enter the industry themselves. Now THAT’S how charlie sheen did it
& finally, hidden at the end here: i went blue on one of them…
if you watch the porn i just rented backwards, it’s about a man who vacuums up seamen with his penis, cleans a bunch of girls with it, ge…ts them dressed and drops them off at a bus stop. the kind soul is an example to us all.
TV Stations are all lies
nothing is what it says it is anymore…
MTV hasnt shown music videos since the 80s, Cartoon Network has live action programming now, the “SciFi” channel (science fiction) changed its name to “SyFy” so it can just air whatever the hell it wants (at least they were honest enough to change their name). only Lifetime has stayed pure to their description since they still air programming that only vaginas find appealing.
Ursula’s Boobs
So do you think Ursula wears a spandex top that blends in with her lower half? or is she just topless and doesn’t have nipples? #LittleMermaid
The latter, right? No nips on the sea witch. Even though that’s totally weird. Responding to a friends additional objection that “Why she even has boobs is confusing. Its not like little baby octopi are going to be latching on for nourishment.”:
It’s not confusing cuz we’re traditionally not to believe merfolk evolved – they’re born of magic n stuff, so their body parts are intentional 50/50 split and not mixtures of the species. However, Disneys adaptation doesn’t make this clear. they go in the other direction by playing up a “we are different but we’re really the same” theme. That didnt start out being the case since In the original script, Ursula was Tritons sister and humans knew their names as folklore (one of the sailors in the opening scene talks about it in a deleted sequence of dialog and extra verse of Fathoms Below), which makes it more accepting since it solidifies their place as something separate from our world and not just humans who have fish parts.
“Life’s full of tough choice, in et”
The stage musical takes this a step further by reinstating the brother-sister-Ariels-Aunt tree, but mentioning that their dad was Poseidon and when he, er, died (blurg?), he gave Triton his trident and Ursula her magic shell. I’m not wild about the “magic shell” bullshit since no one who saw the Disney movie thought that was anything on par with the Trident – it was just her jewelry that she used to hold Ariels voice and also so we had a reminder that that Vanessa bitch is really the sea witch since shape-shifting and evil-twin incarnations always have to have something like that (a bow, a distinct color scene, a snail shell necklace, etc).
It all makes much more sense under this storyline since it’s common in Greek myths for gods to have offspring that have random attributes related to their specialty – which explains why Ursula and Triton are both aquatic but not the same. It also explains why a friggin mermaid is ruling the ocean and has such a badass undersea castle when you introduce the whole Poseidon lineage. Eric always looked Greek to me too. Possibly Italian, but I’m sticking with Greek.
“Just YOUR VOICE”
Dexter Season 4 Finale: Itz a doozy
When I was told Season 4 of Showtime’s series Dexter (about a serial killer who only kills serial killers but has a family life n stuff too, mixed along with antics at his workplace as a blood spatter analyst for the Miami police department) was “Epic…epic…yes, two epics”, I was in doubt for 99% of the ride. Season 1 remains the most thrilling and plot twisty and Season 4, which I just finished tonight was good, as expected but then drops a bomb at the last second…
I began to write a blog about how it wasn’t as epic as it was billed as unti—OMG WTF OMG OMG OMG!!!!!111 WHAT the – NO! not – BUT – OMFG!!!! oh em geeeeeeezus!
I… can not handle the events that took place at the end of Dexter season 4… life.. same.. never. just.. –Oh nvm. you non-watchers wont understand. you’ll never understand..
you… cant… understand…
UPDATE: the following is one side of a text conversation that started after I saw the episode. I only took a screenshot of the other side since my replies give away that we’re talking about a friggin TV show and its funnier when that is just known-and-not-seen….
I hear things. I know things.
overheard from suits last week that some time this week Apple would announce the Beatles catalog on iTunes (yawn). Didn’t take it seriously since it was an overheard but now i find out that it was a huge deal, super secret and big news, making me wish i said something.
In effort not to repeat: I also overheard there are serious talks to make pull a Ghostbusters-2011 with Back To The Future, bringing back all of the original cast for a 2015 release…