More like Game of DRONES… cuz that show looks boring… get it?

Look, I wanna watch and enjoy Dragons vs Kid-Kings and Dwarves as much as anybody, but I need a better hook than just …that.

Yes, an adult version (with boobs and incest for some reason) of Lord of the Rings set in the world of Conan with sprinkles of Harry Potter elements in it sounds, not-necessarily-the-worst-ever, but it looks so passe in its visual execution that I can’t get excited about it.

It’s the polished boring looking paint-by-numbers design and style that turns me off from trying to get into this series. If the show looked more like this original rendering instead of “Xena” with slightly better special effects, I’d be watching it with you all…

Just one example is what looks to be the kid character ruling on a giant sword-throne. The original intent by the author looks awesome!

The one in the actual show looks… not awesome at all. It looks dumb.
Could this cheesy set piece be any more lame and disappointing?

Make cooler stuff, Entertainment Industry. Or I will make it for you. #threat.

Your dumb biker tv show is messing up my vibes, man

They’re shooting a Sons of Anarchy episode 2 houses down from me and the stupid light boom on a 4 story high crane is illuminating the whole damn street completely messing up the vibe of my neon-lit back yard .___.

UPDATE: Aaaaahh… Peace at last…

7 Muppet Babies Unanswered Questions

I never missed an episode of late-80s/early 90s Saturday Morning Cartoon allstar, Muppet Babies. No one did. it was an awesome show that ran many seasons. But not without raising a few lingering questions…

1- How come Miss Piggy was always saying “Yippie Skippy” but never said it as an adult?

2- Kermits nephew Robin making an appearance as a tadpole was a nice touch, but it begged the question of where Kermits brother or sister was and why they weren’t raised with him?

3- Skeeter was added as Scooters twin as an excuse to add another girl to the cast but they never added her to the actual Muppets in any of their later live action endeavors. How did Skeeter die and why doesn’t anyone ever mention it?

4- What did Nanny look like in your mind? To me she was a redhead in her mid 30s to 40s. Her voice sounded grandmotherly (voiced by Leave it to Beaver’s mother) but those funky socks and shoes imply an elder. Wicked Witch of the East (the legs under the house), style. Except nice. So more like a Mother Goose feel. Her mental image crossfades between the two in my minds eye like a broken 1990s television.

5- Where did Miss Piggy get all those cupcakes? Seriously. The bitch always had cupcakes. She didn’t bake them. She didn’t buy them. Where the fkk did they come from?
Why would Nanny just buy one of the babies an entire box of cupcakes and just be like “here… eat these at your discretion”? She’s already a pig, Nanny. Now you’re just double-guaranteeing she has a weight problem when she’s older.

6- WTF is Nanny doing all friggin day? Polishing her Norman Rockwell collector plates from dawn till dusk? How is she a “nanny” exactly? She just leaves the kids in the nursery and checks up from time to time and that’s it.

Maybe the babies wouldn’t have to use their stupid imaginations so damn much if they were allowed out of the nursery once in awhile.

7- Why the hell were the babies never allowed outside? They spent their entire day and night in that nursery every single episode. Are they part of a government experiment? Is Nanny their CIA operative managing the project and that is why she only checks in periodically?

-Here is a sample episode for you Younglings:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40QWep7UD7o

What DOES the Fox Say though, for real?

Are all those sounds what this Ylvis gentlemen is guessing the Fox MIGHT say? Or is he declaring the Fox does in fact say all of them? Have there been any peer reviewed studies on these claims?

I’m just a guy trying to find out what foxes say through music and interpretive dance in this crazy mixed up world :/

UPDATE: In search of answers, I finally saw the video of this Fox thing that has been coming up in my iTunes Radio playlists and watched it start to finish and I have to say I found it… dumb.

Not dumb-cool. just kinda lame I thought. Its not quirky cogent fun like Gangam Style or funny like a parody or satire. it’s just kindov hipster “look at me being different” nonsense without an exit plan. There’s a place for that kind of thing and I approve of works of art in that style, but having listened to the song and seen images and short clips of this first, watching the full length was a touch disappointing only because it raised constant issues of scenes I would have shot differently. there are lots of good elements to it but not enough to make it good overall and the execution I felt was poor.

I feel bad saying that because I like the concept, the tone, the visuals and the moxy of the guys doing it in general. But I must be honest in my review… I wasn’t a fox fan 🙁

Take a peep if you haven’t seen it and tell me I’m wrong. I want to be converted. I hate being a Debbie Downer, especially on creative uses of music and media. Change my mind…

The Jimmy Fallon appearance was even more confusing to me. I couldn’t stop trying to figure out how they filmed it instead of just enjoy it. It’s clearly edited to accommodate the costume change, but how did that work for the studio audience? Did they just pause and then come back? Did they perform it twice and then edit the two together for the late night audience? I want to love this so bad but I just can’t get there. It all just didn’t work for me even though I did like this performance much much better than the original music video. The longer takes makes it more acceptable that theres less going on and makes what is happening (like the horse entrance and the grandfather reading the book) a lot funnier. Still though… ug

 

Jenny from Forest Gump was my first exposure to the “Scumbag Girlfriend”

She really was the worst. I got into a heated exchange with someone at a party in 2002 because they were trying to claim that Forest Gump is a sweet love story and was totally defending Jenny as a lost soul who needed Forest’s love and kindness. Total horseshit. Jenny was awful.

The fact that her dad molested her or whatever is no excuse for her being such a poor decision making ice cold sexually manipulative bag of ho.

Some Jerk who hates Joy & Happiness lied about a Full House return show

I watched Full House so religiously growing up that I would seriously panic if a Friday night event was scheduled that might cause me to miss a new episode. The invention of the DVR was years away and so I had to rely on frequent begging and pleading to the only adult that cared about my happiness (mom) to PLEASE make triple sure the airplane-cockpick-dashboard style labyrinth that is the VCR programming was set to record the show at the right time. It didn’t always work and my fury and sadness was unleashed, since, without an internet that did anything more than chat rooms and email, I would have to wait 6-months, a year or more to just by luck catch the repeat of that nights aired episode.

Well guess what!? Full House is set to return for a reunion season this year! Except not really. That’s just a lie some evil person made up because they were shunned by society and now they want all of us to suffer. I didn’t see or hear the claim anywhere and instead saw the reports that it was going viral as a revived-for-some-reason hoax from an April Fools joke of last year, but I have to admit I keep dying a little inside each time I see someone else talk about it.

The reports said that the gag claimed the new show would be about the 3 Tanner girls all grown up (did I mention the crush I had on Kimmy Gibbler?) but the quotes from the claim came from the Rhode Island newspaper the Newport Gazette, which is a publication that has not been in print since 1799 (double-fools. harr harr). Via a local ABC News affiliate:

The original article was published on entertainment site Screenrant.com as part of its April Fool’s Day joke earlier this year (13), and a representative for the site even took to Twitter.com to clear the rumor and wrote, “Someone picked that up as legit (legitimate) news? Last year, a few broadcast sites even picked up the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles April Fools post.”

What’s NOT a hoax, however is that the ’90s sitcom, Boy Meets World, WILL be returning with a reunion cast in a new series called Girl Meets World focusing on the daughter of Cory & Topanga with Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel reprising their roles and… wait for it… YES, Mr Feeny is not only not dead, but will also be in the series. Ka-pie-yah.

Did Hocus Pocus deceive us on the term “yabbos”?

Is it me, or was Max the only one to actually refer to breasts as “yabbos”. That just wasn’t something that people said in the 90s as far as my experiences go. Did they say it in the 80s? Earlier? Why choose that word over others?

My suspicion is that it was a censorship thing. To retain the movies family-friendly rating, the film couldn’t contain an out of place uncomfortable sexual reference so the scene pointing out Max’s sexual attraction to that elegant graceful yes-I-still-have-a-crush-on-her creature in his class from Disney’s Hocus Pocus. “Yabbos” is a silly reference that conveys the message that “boys like these” while it doesn’t assault anyones innocence the way something like “fun bags” or “flesh pillows” might.

But I’m open to any history of the term anyone might have to offer. Do you have any experience with yabbos usages?

and has this entire scene ever actually happened, ever? I kindov wanted it to as a kid watching this movie. I guess cuz I thought it was a cute way of showing interest that allowed me to have it revealed that I liked someone but without me making an ass of myself since, even as a kid I was always more comfortable with someone else non-aggressively making me look bad and others judging that rather than the real me had I taken a chance to put myself out there in that vulnerable way. Cuz then they’re the bad guy and it’s easier to write-off as meaningless if I got mocked for it or was otherwise poorly received where as if I went out on the limb and awkwardly said how I wanted to pearl-necklace the early developed 7th grader in my Catholic grade school, I would be the only guilty party. Way better to be able to feign embarrassment at a “revelation” than make that revelation myself and have to face the brunt of the stone cold judgement of teenage society. Life was hard back then. Good thing I’m awesome as fkk now and don’t worry bout no one thinkin nuthin. Over bewbs or anything else.

Bonus screenshot: Check out that sass on little siss over here. You can almost hear her saying “mmmmm gurl” in the swagger from which she delivers her lines.

UPDATE: The yabos clip was removed from Youtube so…here’s the trailer instead. sorry :/

Hocus Poetry – the Spells from Hocus Pocus

Often overlooked on this 90s gem is the incantations delivered by the 2 spell casting sisters, Winnie & Sarah. Mary doesn’t do her own spells. She’s a work horse. Handles administrative processing and has the “sniffing children” power. She joins in for group recitations though. Such as #1 on the list:

TURN A BOY INTO A CAT:

Twist the bones
and bend the back.

Itch-it-a-cop-it-a,
Mel-a-ka-mys-tic-a.

Trim him of his baby fat.

Itch-it-a-cop-it-a,
Mel-a-ka-mys-tic-a.

Give him fur,
as black as black.

– Just…
– Like…
– This.

~~

REANIMATE THE CORPSE OF A LOVER:

Unfaithful lover long since dead.
Deep asleep in thy wormy bed.
Wiggle thy toes, open thine eyes,
twist thy fingers toward the sky.
Life is sweet, be not shy.
On thy feet. So sayeth I!

~~

PIED PIPER CHILD-HYPNOSIS SONG:

Come Little Children
I’ll Take Thee Away, Into A Land
Of Enchantment

Come Little Children
The Time’s Come To Play
Here In My Garden
Of Magic

Follow Sweet Children
I’ll Show Thee The Way
Through All The Pain And
The Sorrows

Weep Not Poor Children
For Life Is This Way
Murdering Beauty And
Passions

Hush Now Dear Children
It Must Be This Way
To Weary Of Life And
Deceptions

Rest Now My Children
For Soon We’ll Away
into The Calm And
The Quiet

Come Little Children
I’ll Take Thee Away, Into A Land
Of Enchantment

Come Little Children
The Time’s Come To Play
Here In My Garden
Of Shadows

BONUS: The Spell On You rendition at the Parents Party:

What would Merryweather’s gift have been, had Maleficent not crashed the party?

Disney’s Sleeping Beauty. Lets go, people.

3 fairies invited to a birthday party and 1 isn’t.

They all give presents to the birthday girl.
Flora (red) gives her Beauty, Fauna (green) gives her Song, Merryweather (blue) is about to give her ____ when the Regina George of Fairyland busts in with her elitist black friend and totally bitch’s the place up, giving her the “gift” of everyone growing to enjoy and adore her only to prick her finger on a spinning wheel and DIE. Boom.

So Merryweather’s gift is that she won’t “DIE” die, she’ll just Disney-die and be asleep until some dude she met once on a walk comes and kisses her while she’s asleep (something that chicks in real life evidently hate 80% of the time, I’ve found out).

So what was MerryBlue’s original giftaroo?

It’s an open question. I don’t have a guess. Not intelligence, because its implied she already got that from her wise parents since she’s way more self-aware and rape-conscious than you could possibly expect a 15th century blonde raised by 3 women secluded in a forest. We know it can’t be any of the other positive character traits or talents she posses (kind, compassionate, sense of humor/whimsy, respectful but assertive, soft spoken, nice feet and calves), so wtf could she possibly have needed besides a chance to not fulfill a death prophecy? Seems to be nothing. She’s perfect. Go Sleepin B.

But instead of satisfy the question, it only begs new ones, since that makes it even curiouser what MayWhey thought she needed. Knowing the blue fairy’s personality, it probably would have been something stupid like “an unearned sense of importance that makes you unappealingly high-maintenance” or “a sense of neediness that shall make thou protest when he’s out with his friends”. Aside from the whole implied torture after getting ambush-captured by goblins and having to fight through thorns and kill a drag, stuff – this whole gift fiasco was the best thing to ever happen to Prince Phillip. By the Mean Girl shutting down the pushy annoying fat friend, he was able to get the perfect girl. Hot dang.

I still wanna know what she was gonna bestow though (oh oh, slow-mo, garden hoe show, go go go, y’know?).

POSSIBLE PLOT TWIST: Or did they necessarily choose in advance? The intro to the scene implies that their gift-giving powers are limited, cuz Flora tells the royal family that “Each of us, the child may bless, a single gift. No more, no less”. So we know that there’s some cosmic rules goin on here, making it possible that they are deciding what to give on the spot by letting the fairy Force flow through them or whatever. mmm. Actually, I don’t like that theory, because then its a “fate/everything happens for a reason” cop out where cosmic puzzle pieces forced the interruption right then precisely because MW’s gift was always supposed to be an addendum to the curse.

Whether that deserves further exploration or not, however, the default should still be the presumption that the fairies knew their intentions ahead of time and thus Merryweather had to sacrifice her original to provide that loophole.

UPDATE: After heavy consideration of the received suggestions to this very important and timely subject facing the nation and very world at large, I am heavily leaning towards the proposal that the gift in question would be something to do with words and expression.

To arrive at the answer, we have to look at both what teen-Aurora lacks and what evidence there is leading up to the incident before the change.

I was initially stumped on this because teen-Aurora appears to have it all – but articulate expression of complex thought is what is missing. She’s bright and reasonably analytical, but she’s not a professor. Her dialog is limited almost entirely through song, in fact. Girls got it goin on, but she hits a wall in conveying her thoughts, balancing them with her emotions and voicing them.

Merryweathers always arguing but with a point. ie: Flora’s plan to turn the kid into a flower until after the curse-expiration since a flower can’t prick its finger and Merryweather is all “ya! Great idea…until Maleficent sends a frost, you stupid bitch. Even friggin Fauna points out that she does that shit to your flowers, like, ALL the god damn time. Are you even trying, you dumb ho?” (paraphrase).

Logical problem solving computation and a clear expression of the process and results is both something Princess Aurora lacks and what fits with the gift-givers personality.

If I were grading papers on this, I would accept the explanation for Courage being the answer, though she’s actually a ground breaker on this front, being the most contrarian princess of her time. Snow White and Cinderella are total fate-resigners. Shit goes down and they’re just leaves in the wind. Aurora aint no Belle or Jasmine (all picking fights with their superiors n shit) but she is a march out of the damsel mannequin mold.

In response to the challenge that she demonstrated eloquence when she sang and spoke with the forest creatures in “I Wonder” and “Once Upon a Dream”: I say nay. Those moments are examples of her talent of song. It’s all dreamy hippie artistic nonsense that reeks of Aunt Fauna. With Merryweathers intended gift (according to me) she would have been all “I know you, you are the object of desire I have often thought about, meeting exactly the specifications of a suitor I would put at the top of my list to strive to meet and marry. A veritable, dream come true, one might say. My name is Aurora. What is yours? I need to leave quickly, but lets plan our next encounter” and so on. Instead she’s all “teehee. You’re awesome and dreamy and i’m a little moist in your presence. okay, fine. you may dance with me. crap! Gotta go! BYE!”

Thine quality she lacks most is clear, calculating verbal diction and it fits most appropriately with Merryweathers own personality.

The answer is some undetermined form of eloquence and expression.

You’re welcome.

Can you see what’s missing from this Disney RedHead collage?

Excellent art by artist Amy Mebberson. NOT so excellent comment by a person whom I won’t embarrass by identifying who said “They forgot Anastasia”…

Anastasia is of course, not a Disney movie. It’s a pretty decent animated film with some great parts that are hurt by some “trying too hard to copy Disney” parts but it was made by 20th Century FOX animation.

Seeing this comment reminded me of when back in the-year-2000, I would actively harass people on Napster who were sharing Anastasia mislabeled as Disney. the old school file sharing app allowed you to instant message other file sharers and I went way too far with it to not have even saved screenshots (which I didn’t know how to do at the time, if Windows ME (often forgotten about version before XP) even allowed such a thing). Sometimes it was a quick “Just cuz its drawn doesn’t mean it’s Disney. ANASTASIA IS NOT A DISNEY MOVIE” but other times I would segment my slam into multiple consecutive messages along the lines of:

Me: Hey! Thanks for sharing Anastasia!
Me: It’s such a great DISNEY movie! Made by DISNEY!
Me: Except that my VHS says it was made by FOX…
Them: Huh?
Me: ANASTASIA IS NOT A DISNEY MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really wish this stuff was recorded at the time. Sigh.