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American Idol has been on for 8 friggin seasons

And it still blows. Watching people sing to me is like listening to people paint. Completely ruins it for me. So naturally I’m not an American Idol fan. But its on the tv in front of me right now with a female at the helm of the remote, so I can either leave, or live-blog it. but after i left, i thought of you guys and came back to take one for the team. here we go…

To Sanjay Kumar over there:
“their opinions are their opinions“? no sh#t? fascinating way to put the judges recap of your performance into philosophical perspective. why does no one school these kids on how to receive criticism before they go on stage to react to it in front of the nation? probably cuz he’s a minority.

To the cute blonde that I would bang if you didn’t have that hideous sleeve tattoo:
At first I was diggin your Regina Spektor rendition of a song only teenage stoners and superpowerstoners. but by the second verse, after it became clear that i was only interested cuz you’re bangable when i squint, you had me searching for the dvr remote and one of those memory flash sticks from Men In Black so i could erase the last 2 minutes from my consciousness. Your song sucked. Bob Marley? are you retarded? clearly yes, cuz you thought it was an awesome choice because its so personal to you. Um. wow. here’s a clue” Bob Marley songs are monotonous and shallow. their entertainment value is derived by their mellow tempo setting or accenting the tone to an activity – usually f#cking and/or getting blitzed – and that’s it.

But even if you couldn’t grasp that concept – as Randy clued you in on afterward: no one cares if its personal to you. sing something that sounds good and makes people think “hey, she can sing good. cuz like. that didn’t suck or anything”. Everyone hated your performance. Know why? cuz it sucked. Bob Marley songs are for people to get high and/or f#ck to. his work does not showcase vocal talent. and neither do you. also, you’re not attractive and i’ll abuse you, so now that your self esteem is at the right spot – come give me a call and we’ll eh… listen to some Marley…

“…to leave the show”

To the Pink haired porcine punk singing No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak”:
The title should have been “Don’t Sing”. *badumcha!* But fur realz: No one gives a crap that you can play 3 chords on the guitar. its a singing competition. and you suck at it. Wha–aAAaat if aaah ta-AAA-aaauaaalked liii-III-ike ah-thiiII-iii–ii-ssssss? It’d be fkkn annoying, wouldn’t it bitch? ya, it’s no different with singing. so sing the song straight through without murdering each word in a roller coaster of suck. UPDATE: while on the Idol website, I see she’s only 16, so I take it all back. kid doesn’t know any better. plus she might have or will gain hott friends and followers, so I’m gonna be nice to her for now.

To Paula: you’re such a sweetheart, so I always hate pointing out what a crazy ass bitch u are, but it was obvious as hell that you scripted your reaction to pinkhairgirl. i get it. and im proud of you. you recognized that you suck at extemporaneous speaking and you your handlers tackled the problem with a littl rehearsal. just… work on it a little more, k?

To the new chick that only got hired as a judge as leverage/pressure for Paula to stop being so unstable and crazy and clue her in that she’s easily replaced:
You made a bad first impression when you bitched out the girl in the bikini on your first day. you offer nothing to this show and you suck as an on screen personality. die.

To the dude who played the piano:
the “its a singing competition, stupid” comment doesn’t apply. you pulled it off. you’re also a fag.

To the guy right after him who played the keyboard:
blind guy beat you to it. only one key-instrument per show please. get the f#ck outta here.

I got bored with this and stopped paying attention there. Unfortunately for me the next episode was also on the DVR and played right after it. David Cook performed for some inexplicable reason and Megan looked hott in red overalls before getting booted back into a life of waitressing and broken dreams. —wait.. I typed that before it happened and they just put her over into the “you MIGHT get eliminated/you’re not safe” section and she flapped her arms and yelled mock-bird calls while walking over there… what..in the shit.. is THAT about?.. this bitch is blonde AND crazy? Megs. you just got 10% more cuterz.

Update: when she finally got eliminated she sang another crap song (oh, wait, is that the same one?) but displayed more “i’m clearly crazy as f#ck” behavior thats totally raising her stock in richardland. mm.

Update: watching her “later bitch” recap video, i was confused… she’s a single mom under 23 all tatted up, crazy as hell Bob Marley fan and pursuing a career in showbiz instead of focusing her life on her 2 year old child? unheard of!